sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
