I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
