Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
