I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You did what with his pubic hair?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
