she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
