i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
