I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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