i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
