I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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