You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Randomize
