I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
