happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
