True but thats because hes a fetus.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
