if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
