drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You smell like a Billy Joel song
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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