Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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