Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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