Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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