I cut my penus on the lid.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
