He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
