Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
