how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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