I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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