apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just had sex on a roof
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
