my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
