Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
