I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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