Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
