I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
