Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
