I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
