the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
