My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
