Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
