Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
