none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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