how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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