You kept calling me your small dog last night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
