i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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