I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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