Just cropdusted the office
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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