Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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