Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
sick fucks of a feather flock together
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
