I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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