my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
