If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
