just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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