You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
