aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
