Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
