Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
