can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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